What to do if your loved one is in an abusive relationship

Chances are you know how common domestic abuse is, on average the police in England and Wales receive over 100 calls relating to domestic abuse every hour and on average two women are killed by their partner or ex-partner every week in England and Wales.

But it can still be a shock when it happens to someone you love, you don’t expect that. Given that the chances of a friend or family member being in an abusive relationship at some point in our lives is very high, would you know what to do in that situation?

The first step is recognising the signs:

Some of the warning signs are:

Their partner insults/undermines them in front of other people.

They are constantly worried about making their partner angry.

They make excuses for their partner’s behaviour.

Their partner is extremely jealous or possessive, they might always be checking up on them turning up on nights out, or texting and calling them continuously.

They have unexplained marks or injuries.

They are more covered up than usual. 

They may not have the same access to money as they did before.

They cancel on you repeatedly at short notice, seem on edge or fearful, or often have to ask their partner’s permission to do things.

They have stopped spending time with friends and family.

They are depressed or anxious, or you notice changes in their personality.

Domestic Abuse disproportionately male on female but it also happens female on male and in same-sex relationships. 

If you suspect your loved one is in an abusive relationship, you of course will want to help them.

This is likely to be harder than you think, their behaviour towards you might change. They may push you away, unfollow you on social media, cancel plans without warning, not message you back, or even be rude or abrupt. If you are on receiving end of such behaviour, its important remember why you love them in the first place and that they are not acting like themselves.

1.       Don’t react badly.

If someone discloses to you/or you suspect that they are in an abusive relationship and they feel shamed or embarrassed by your reaction, they are likely to get defensive and stop sharing with you, and may even move to cut you off. Having a supportive and understanding reaction to the difficult first conversion is very important.

2.       Don’t push them to leave immediately.

With people stuck in an abusive relationship is it not as simple as just leaving, and you shouldn’t expect that it will be easy for them. They may still love the person and think they will change. They might be scared and need to make a plan that will make them safe in the long run. They make need to collect important documents, belongings or work out what to do with their children. Relationships are complicated and people can’t always just walk away, not matter how much you want them to. Of course if you witness violence, call the police right away.

3.       Don’t try to “rescue” them

It’s distressing when someone you care about is being abused and it is understandable that your first reaction might be to charge in and get your friend “out” of the situation. But people that are abused and controlled by their intimate partner don’t respond well to helpers that try to “boss them” into immediate action. Experts say that’s because it can feel like more abuse and control. Pushing them to do something they’re not ready to do or don’t feel safe doing, may only lead them to avoid you.

4.       Listen without judgement.

Tell them, gently and without judgment, that you’re concerned for their safety (or their emotional or physical wellbeing). Listen and believe them. Say things like, “I’m sorry this is happening to you,” “I know it’s complicated,” “It’s not your fault,” “You don’t deserve this,” “I am here for you”, and “This doesn’t change how I feel about you”.

5.       Let them make their own decisions.

Because unsolicited intervention may not be well received, it’s best to tread carefully. Your friend must make their own mind up about what to, such as whether to leave, report their partner’s actions to the police etc.  You can gently persuade them to act by asking the right questions “Are you open to calling the police, contacting a hotline, going to a doctor etc.? As well as not normalising the abuse”

6.       Be there for them.

Whatever they decide, make sure them know they are not alone and offer to help in anyway you can. This could be practical, such as offering a place for them to stay or to look after their children. Or it could be emotional, such as supporting them through this.

7.       Check on them regularly.

Check regularly that they are ok and continue to point out that their partner’s behaviour isn’t acceptable. However be aware that the abusive partner may be monitoring their messages/listening in on their conversations. Choose your words carefully until you’re sure it’s safe to talk (for example asking “Is now a good time to talk?”). You don’t want to endanger your loved one or your ability to provide support. If the abuser thinks you’re against them, they may demand an end to your relationship with the abused, or come after you. For the same reason, do not confront the partner.

8.       Empower them to act.

Make them aware of the tools at their disposal and organisations available to help them when they are ready. Encourage them to talk to someone on a hotline (UK 0808 2000 247 helpline@womensaid.org.uk) (USA 1-800-799-SAFE).

Ask them where they would go if they had to leave and suggest they develop a safety plan (a practical plan that includes ways to stay safe while in a relationship, planning to leave, or after leaving). The suggested hotlines can help people develop plans to fits their situation.

Remember the best way to help someone in this situation is to offer emotional/practical support and give them the tools to empower themselves.