How to have a feminist relationship

Feminism has rewritten the rules of relationships and marriage. It has redefined love as we now know it. Women are no longer reliant on men for economic or social survival. We are free to choose who and how we love on our own terms. We no longer need a man but many of us still want one. If we have a desire to have a relationship with a straight man, how do we make it a feminist one?

(This post will focus on heterosexual relationships, though much of the content can be applied to relationships between people of all genders)

Though feminism has made great strides in women’s rights, we still live in a patriarchal society, one which has a nasty ability to permeate every area of our lives including our most intimate relationships. As feminists, we must not only demand equality in society but also in relationships.

In some ways, I think this is the most difficult part of being a feminist. There are no clear guidelines on what an equal relationship looks like, only generations' worth of examples of unequal relationships. This often includes the relationships we first learnt about love from: our parents, film couples, our friends, book couples, our grandparents.

The feminist movement, for all its issues, can supply comforting solidarity. A heterosexual feminist relationship is something you build with a man who hasn’t had that shared experience of sexism. This is a tricky gap to bridge, there will be frustrating moments where the person you love just doesn’t get it.

To have a feminist relationship we must first value ourselves as full humans and demand that others acknowledge our humanity as well. We must not settle for less in our relationships.

Unlearning the misogyny we have internalized and behaving as if we truly are valuable is an ongoing journey for any feminist, especially in our interactions with other people. It's not easy for anyone. It is one thing to believe in equality and another to reflect that belief in our actions, even when that means challenging someone we love or risking upsetting someone.

Finding your way through the dating world can feel treacherous with red flags, gaslighting, manipulation, and sexual assault a possibility on every date. At the same time, women are constantly told to settle, to deprioritize their needs and desires, to put up with bad behavior from men. It can grind you down.

I decided I wasn’t going to do that, if dating required me hiding my feminism and putting up with sexism, I’d rather just be single. And I was, for years, quite happily.

When I met my current partner, I must admit I was scared that being in a relationship would mean losing myself and giving a man power over my choices. I was very clear from the beginning that my feminism is important to me and I promised myself I wouldn’t compromise it to make my relationship 'work'.

Maintaining your principles while also being open to falling in love isn’t easy. It isn't called "Love Drunk" for no reason. Vulnerability is necessary to have a loving relationship but this can be difficult when you have spent so long working on preserving boundaries and protecting yourself.

Hyper-traditional ways of thinking about romance and expectations around what a relationship 'should' look like are ingrained in all of us, breaking through that to create a relationship that is just about two equal people with no prescribed gender roles is a daily challenge.

My partner is a feminist and an amazing thoughtful person but we are all products of our sexist environment. A feminist relationship must be one with communication and ongoing learning as you will both make mistakes and bad assumptions. What is important is being a couple who can talk about those in a loving and understanding way. He might make a sexist comment that is completely not ok, can he talk about that with you and understand why it’s not ok? Does he understand your concerns, value your opinion and learn from the experience?

Are you both working together to bridge that gap?

Ultimately, a feminist relationship is one where both partners feel loved and respected, where they can express themselves and be treated as equals.

It is not easy but it is worth it.